Hello there :D
I realize I haven't written in quite some time, but after talking my mother's ears off for an hour, she made the kind suggestion that I blog about something. Perhaps it was just her way of getting me off the phone, but I'd like to think that it was for my own good :) School is back in session, and although I am already extraordinarily anxious and nervous, just like I always am, I am very very excited for this year. I'm basically trying to immerse myself in everything and make my studies much more fun that I normally would perceive them to be. I really do miss DR's class, because it was a nice outlet for my creative thought, but I guess I just need to find a way to make the sciences a bit more creative. And what better way than Project Lab, or as my wonderful boyfriend referred to it, PLab. Each year, a professor picks a topic for the lab, and this year's is nanorust, some form of nanotechnology that is used for a variety of things, among them the control of arsenic in water supply. I think its pretty interesting, and I was also thinking about the applications of nanotechnology in my new love, neuroscience. I definitely want to go talk to Jeremy, but for fear of looking like an all too eager freshman I probably will wait a bit. But in the meantime, I'll keep cyberstalking Caroline's roommate and annoying her with questions on the subject. But hey, Caitlin is extremely nice and I even had dinner with her and Caroline last week. We discussed research and classes and everything basically involved with it. I just keep getting very excited about the future, I'm already picking what classes I want to take next semester, but I guess I should try and focus on surviving this one. Poo.
But anyways, other than class, what have I been up to? Well I am finally back on campus and have somewhat of a life. Friday night was wonderfully epic. I am kind of scared of myself though. I know that my family has a history of alcoholism, so I am very scared of alcohol, and I am veryyyyy careful. But sometimes I just want to have fun, and I don't know if that justifies it. I always feel very guilty but I do know my limits, and even if my friends who have never drank just joke around with me about it, sometimes it really hurts when they make fun of me. I was always against drinking unreasonably, but sometimes its fun in moderation. I can be sober one weekend, and drink the next or whatever, but I'm not going to be a crazy partier, I refuse. So, I just feel like an ass when my friends joke around with it because I know that its not exactly a great thing to do. I don't know, its hard to reconcile how I felt in the past about it with how I feel now. I refuse to turn into anyone in my family when it comes to drinking. But I don't know. I fucking hate hypocrites, so I really don't want to turn into one.
But yes, despite arguing with myself, I had a damn good time on Friday. The girls just cut loose a bit and I got a bit past tipsy, but all was well. Saturday morning, I felt guilty and the weather was terrible, so my SAD was kicking in. I called my mom and asked her to get me a light for light therapy because Michelle uses one and highly recommends one. I really just need to stop feeling shitty during the winter. I am human, not perfect, and I know this very well, yet I can't help but be my greatest critic. God only knows that I need the sun right now, but I find it difficult to want to go outside. I just talked to everyone, I even opened up to Amanda about it. I always feel so weird, like everyone's either going to judge me, or blow me off as "another depressed emotional teen." But its nice to know that someone actually listens, and that others know what I'm going through. I still haven't told Rob about it, but I almost did. I just really don't want him to have to worry about me or to take care of his crazy girlfriend. But I will eventually. Its not that I'm scared of opening up to him, its just that we haven't really reached that level too much. Although, in a step for the better, we did have a nice heart to heart on Saturday. On Saturday, he did something which I told him he could, because its his life and his decision and I didn't think it would bother me, but it just weirded me out. So I told him and we talked for awhile and he said he understood. I told him that I didn't want to worry him, but that it scared me a little, and he said he was glad we talked and that it wasn't weird. Its odd, because he keeps talking about it, and I don't know how I feel about it. He's obviously worried that he hurt me, but he shouldn't because I really care about him and thats why I was so uncomfortable.
But Saturday night was definitely wonderful :) The girls got together in Anne's room and read through some Kama Sutra, which was probably one of the funniest things I've ever been a part of. However, since I am the only one who has a boyfriend that actually goes here, the night was pretty much designed just to make fun of me, which I'm totally cool with. And about the whole "are we moving at the right pace thing" that keeps coming up, I've decided not to care, because I really really really like Rob and I know he likes me so its okay. I'm just trying to be comfortable with myself and I know he is very respectful which is awesome!
Sunday, I went out to breakfast with the girls, but then had to meet my dad for lunch. It was very nice and I went to Target with him. I really didn't do much aside from that, but I'd say it was a successful first week of school.
But this is getting kind of lengthy and I kind of forget where I was going with this. I just needed to write a wee bit. Well, I am going to go :)
Hasta luego!
Jackie.
