Flying. The Secret Machines

Fall break resolution: Have fun. Stop worrying about everything.

I am seriously going to make an attempt to put myself first. Its going to be epic and amazing, but most likely a complete failure. I am falling behind on a bit of stuff, but I'm not caring too much, I have time to make it up. I just am really trying not to push myself too hard. I did hardly any work over break, but its OKAY. I survived. And right now, I'll probably catch up on some much needed rest, rather than push myself to do some more Bio, that I wouldn't remember in the morning anyway.

Fall break was great. For being away from my college, I sure spent a hell of a lot of time at other people's. Drexel, Widener, and yesterday, Temple? It was great, and I definitely needed it. The company, the old friends, and the comfort of knowing that everyone feels just like I do right now- a little bit underpressure, a little bit crazy, and absolutely positively happy. FINALLY.

Overall it was a success. Spent some time with the family. Wonderful. Ate more dessert than I can handle without having a mental breakdown, but somehow I survived. Success.

Peace. Until later.

Jackie

Too Shy to Scream. AFI

"I'd die,

If you only met my

eyes before you'd pass by.

Will you pause to break my heart?"

Ugh. Please stop texting me. I can't help but answer.

Even though Michelle tells me its useless.

And I know it is too.

And I hate it.

So Enough.

Darling I Want to Destroy You. AFI

MY GOD. I'm so freaking excited for new AFI. Is that sad? I know I haven't listened to them in like, 3 years, but 3 years ago I was OBSESSED. And their new album is sounding so much more mature and brilliant that DU. DU was kind of disappointing. I just found a couple leaked songs on Itunes and its like.... YESSSSSSSS.

I'm a loser, its okay. Well now that I got that off my chest I guess I should write about what I've been up to. Posts are going to be more frequent than they previously were because my mother says that just writing will help me deal with college and get me used to writing for DR's. Plus, I love getting my shit out there even if no one cares =]

So in between listening to new music (AFI and MUSE), basically I've been hanging out with friends and doing some homework. Classes yesterday were WONDERFUL. DR's class finally went well, I talked quite a bit, and everyone noticed haha. It was great. I talked about how "Jabberwocky" demonstrated the arbitrary meaning of words.. basically I kicked major FYS ass. Then I had some time to watch the new Bones episode, and as usual, Brennan and Booth got close, only to disappoint in the love department again... sigh... Then it was off to Bio, which I have been studying like crazy for because I have an exam Monday. Then Calculus.. yay! I'm such a loser, I really enjoy partial fractions. Okay this post is a little heavy on the self-deprecation. Oh well..

I went to work for an hour yesterday. I would have stayed later, but everyone was leaving.. I guess its kind of weird that they offered to let me stay.. like, I have the option of sitting alone in an old chapel on a Friday afternoon. Its slightly creepy yet AWESOME. I totally just want to explore that place one day.

Around 730ish, I went to dinner with Shannon and the guys (um.. lemme try and remember names: Ish, Derek, Dylan, Steve, Rob, Matt). Went over to the Annex and played some SSB Brawl.. we're pretty lame, but its okay I got my arse wooped.. I suck at videogames.

Shannon, Ish, Matt and I went to Karaoke... yeah.. Ish practically forced me to do a duet of "Dancing Queen" with him. Everyone got on stage to do the "Time Warp" and as much as I love that song, I had a bit of a claustrophobic moment, so I declined... Just as Gillian and I were preparing for an amazing rendition of "Can't Take My Eyes off of You," someone pulled the fire alarm, so we decided to head to Emily's and watch the rest of "17 Again" with them. Cheesy yet amazing: "You can plunder my dungeons anytime." BEST LINE EVER. We just had a nice girls night and it was great. They were taking pictures and Gillian remarked, after seeing a picture of me going nuts, that if I didn't start talking more in class, she would show the picture to DR and explain that I am not shy at all, but instead a crazy freak. Wonderful.

Basically, I went to bed after that and have been a bum all this morning.. I have been listening to some awesome music all day, with a tissue permanently glued to my hand. UGH. Common Cold...

<3

Alice in Wonderland Freewriting session!

Okay, so basically I am taking the hardest class of my life right now. I am learning how to write. Freewriting is the first step, because it allows your ideas to flow from you without ever once "lifting the pen" for a second. Basically, you being with an idea, or passage, or whatever and just WRITE. Without stopping.

I won't exactly be doing that. You see I have to write my first paper, but I still need to sort some ideas out. So I've done a couple freewrites and will be editing these, well not so much editing as THINKING through them via blog. Its much more comfortable for me because I can express myself in a way that I love.

To let you know where I am in this course, basically I have been writing a bit on the role of identity in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. More specifically, I am referencing a passage in which Alice is both mentally and physically changing, and cannot figure out "who she is."

I met with my writing assistant to shoot through some ideas and had to come back to my dorm and quickly write down a couple questions and thoughts down to see if anything could come to mind...I wrote down...

Why does Alice try and rationalize what is happening to her?

Because she is dreaming everything, why does she form a crisis for herself just so she can solve it?

How do children see adults.

She seems to be very scientific in the way that she approaches her problem.

What defines an adult/child?

Mental vs. physical change?

She tries to sound smart, but her ideas hold no weight

What does she mean by usual?

“queer” everything is

Why does she ask if shes changed in the night? She knows she began to grow in “Wonderland”- could she be referring to a mental change?

She , in saying “that’s the great puzzle,” seems to be acting like an adult.

If she thinks shes grown up, why does she ask if she is one of her friends?????

What does all this say about the text? What does the text say about this?

What the HELL is the pointing narrator doing, why is he/she pointing this direction?

Here is my original freewrite.. or as much of it as necessary...

I found this specific passage very interesting because of the way it explores identity. Ever since Alice stepped into Wonderland she seems to have forgotten much of what she knew in her world (including who she is?). She can't remember poems, math or even how proper things function. She no longer considers it surprising that simply by eating a piece of cake she can grow or shrink to bizarre heights. Alice then wonders, i her physical appearance constantly changes, is she a different person? Carroll seems to approach this question in many different ways. He changes her physical appearance as well as her mental state. First, Alice struggles to comprehend the way her physical changes affect her mentality. At one point, she believes that since she is physically "all grown up," i.e. she has grown to an immense stature, she must be an adult. But, what is an adult? Has Alice become an adult simply because she is much larger and taller than she previously was?

Heres where I went really off topic, in that I seriously veered away from the text. I talked about her possible identity crisis, and then compared that to various movies. Basically I wanted to know that if a person's mind is moved from their body to another, does that make them a different person. However, since Alice decides she must be in her own body, although it has grown much larger, this question didn't much apply. One assumes that Alice still looks like herself, just out of proportion. And mentally, Alice doesn't seem to recognize that she is still much herself. She still argues with herself, as if she were two people...

Back on track. I went to talk to Laura and we brainstormed. Basically we talked about the following.. She would ask me why I thought certain things, and I would explain.. We came up with more questions, so in an effort to embrace confusion, here I go...

Why does Alice try and rationalize what's happening to her?

Alice is going through some kind of an adult/child crisis here. She basically thinks that in becoming bigger, she is an adult. So naturally, adults try to rationalize everything. Her first inclination is to carefully go through some sort of process that will clear up all her doubts. Rather than FREAKING OUT like a normal child (or perhaps ANY person would do, but she doesn't because she might think that adults have it all together), she slows down and calmly explains to herself that she simply must be a different person. Its like she is using some sort of scientific method, carefully showing evidence for each part of the puzzle. She seems to act smart, although her ideas hold no weight. Its like when a child explains a big idea to another child-- they may come off as exceedingly intelligent to the other child, but to an adult, the explanation may seem like rubbish. This could have a lot to do with how children see adults. Children are often fascinated by anyone older than them, even if its only by a couple years. They can perceive a rather young individual as old, simply because that person is older than them. Often, children look up to adults, and try to mimic their actions, believing it will make them look more mature and sophisticated, when it sometimes does just the opposite. SO WHAT? Is Alice trying to act like an adult because she thinks she looks like one? She is trying to think like an adult.

I'm getting lost... back to text for help...

Alice wonders "who in the world am I?"

Its funny that she defines identity by age in many cases. But what defines an adult? There is no strict border between adulthood and childhood. What does the text have to say about this? Often, the text seems as confused as Alice. Maybe its because there is no definite answer.. However, since everything means, I must make some effort. What does the text say about being an adult? Alice, not necessarily the text, defines adulthood as being "bigger." But does this mean that each time she shrinks and grows she is reverting back to childhood and then growing to an adult again? If age defines identity, then does size define age? And does mentality simply follow after that. Does mental growth follow physical maturity? Alice seems eager to follow her physical growth with mental growth, which is presumably why she theorizes that she has become a different person. But heres where it gets tricky... WHY if she believes she has become an adult, does she also question whether or not she has become one of her CHILD friends? It simply doesn't fit.... And if it doesn't fit, then SO WHAT.

That will have to be all for now. I guess I'll show this to my mother.. Its a bit repetitive.. ew.

Thanks.

Venice. The Darling Buds

So I figure I'll share my newest obsession with you.

Its a real shame they only have like... 3 songs posted. But my God, I love it.

Jamie Bower, the amazingly gorgeous and wonderful singer, is actually from Sweeney Todd.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTBCr69OoNQ

or just visit their myspace page.

myspace.com/thedarlingbudsmusic

Much loveness,

Jackie

Exogenesis Part III: Redemption. MUSE

Let's start over again.

Well I guess that's what I'm doing in college. And man, its great. I was so unsure of this whole thing, and I hate to say it, I was even disappointed with the Berg at first. But this past weekend has cemented this place as my new home. Its wonderful and I love it. My main concern was whether or not I would make any friends. I knew that it would take a bit of time, but after two weeks I was getting a bit worried. But seriously, I feel like I am finally connecting with so many people, and its GREAT. I love the work, the hectic schedules, I just love being busy. I look over at my calendar and seriously think, "How the HELL am I going to do all this?" but somehow, I manage. I love everything about this place more and more each day. And I feel as though I can finally count on people here. Its hard being away from my sister, and Michelle and Kevin and my family and all of my other friends, but each day its becoming a bit easier. I miss all of them SO very much, but at least I can deal now.

So this weekend.... Friday I had DR's class, WHICH I FREAKING LOVE. I feel like a total idiot, but every class is getting better in that sense. I'm slowly becoming more sure of myself, and I feel like I'm learning more in one of his classes than I did all through High School (sorry O'Hara). But I didn't exactly have the best class that morning, and it was yucky and rainy, so I decided to treat myself to a caramel macchiato, and who of course is behind me in line? Laura, our writing assistant and DR himself. He was asking me how I felt about the class and I told him I LOVED IT, which in retrospect was stupid because like/dislike (and I'm assuming love is in there) falls under the generalization category, but its alright. I did mention that I felt a little unsure of my abilities, and he of course assured me that I belonged in there and that my answers were in the right direction. He asked me about my other classes, and I said I was learning a lot although I guess I would have to wait until after my first exams to know how well I was doing. Naturally, he jumps in and says that I should never measure my intelligence against a stupid score brought forth from some ridiculous test designed to decide if I was good/bad. I seriously admire that man. He's so cool.

After that I just had Biology, which I really enjoy. I sat next to James and Josh. James and I always laugh at how crazy everything seems to be, and I really enjoy it. And Josh and I chatted about his background on his computer (it was a mural by Banksy). After Bio, I went back to the dorm and saw Shana before she left (she was going to Rascal Flatts). Then I had to go meet with the Chaplain, for whom I now work? Odd, I know. Why the HELL would I take a job in the chapel. But here's a little secret, I freaking love it. Tanya, the assistant there, listens to Bob Dylan and the Decemberists, while I make copies, run errands, make phone calls and sort book donations. I ended up staying for a few hours, when I hadn't even planned on working at all. I went to dinner with Megan, then hit the gym for a bit. I came back and listened to MUSE's new album before hitting the shower. Side note: I asked Sands if he had heard it, and he mentioned that he was going to see them in VA and had an extra ticket if I wanted it. FAIL. I end fall break two days before then. But, its okay. One day I'll see them and it will be EPIC! Back to story, so I showered and Shannon texted, asking if I wanted to grab dinner. I went with her to GQ so she could eat dinner and I could ruin my trip to the gym by getting dessert. We ended up talking for a few hours about the craziest things, but it was great. Then we went back to Prosser Annex and hung around on the guy's floor. Thats right, first college success. I met guys. Lots. We played Super Smash Brothers, until the testosterone fest kicked in when some bag of douche squirted shampoo all over the boy's bathroom and ripped down the whiteboard on their doors. They were freaking out saying they were going to kick some serious ass. So Shannon and I left that way the guys could talk everything over.

Saturday: I am tired. Seriously fucking tired. I wake up. Eat breakfast. Go on the computer. Go to lunch. Sleep. Do a chem problem. Sleep. Knit. Sleep. Eat dinner. Shower. THEN OZZY'S. The Berg rented out Ozzy's Fun Center after hours for us. At first I was apprehensive about going, but it was great. Megan, Anne, Emily, Jenna, other Emily, her roommate Nicole and I all had a great time. We hit the ropes course and the rock wall, did some roller skating (super FAIL) and then Bumper Boats. We were soaked. But we put up some pictures and it was amazing. Side note: Emily's camera has a function that creates smiles on faces that don't have any-- its the greatest thing I've ever seen. Back to story, we all grabbed ice cream, which is clearly the most intelligent choice when you're soaking wet and its cold. But it was fun, and then we loaded back on the bus. So we're waiting to depart, when I see Shannon and the same group of guys directly in front of us on the other bus. They start waving at me and signing telling me to do the wave. So they freak out and get their whole bus to do the wave and we followed them. THEY WENT NUTS. It was so lame, yet epic because of their reaction. Emily looked at me and went, "Do you know them?" I nodded and we all laughed. Kelson texted me to tell me that I am amazing haha. I love college. On the ride back, we talked about movies and TV shows, and Nicole and I chatted for awhile about stupid horror movies, and how she was home-schooled. All the girls decided we should have a Twilight movie night, so Anne and Megan can experience the epic fail of the Twilight movie.

Then I got some much needed sleep. I woke up and have been doing some Bio, which for some reason I am actually enjoying. I knitted a bit, and then decided to make a little post for the all of 2 people that read this.

I hope everyone else is doing well!

Much love and peace!

Jackie.