Crazy. Gnarls Barkley

"Its like ignorance is bliss.. and this place is fucking Disneyland."

Today I laid around for a while, and just happened to turn on a movie. It was called 'Manic' and it stars Joseph Gordon Levitt as an enraged teenager sent to a mental institution for troubled teens in order to help curb his anger. He meets an interesting cast of characters, who all seem normal enough, but each is plagued with some sort of psychological problem.. depression, mania, night terrors, or just a nasty penchant for fighting. It was very much in the style of 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' in that the lead feels like an outsider, who does not belong in the outside world, and who sure as hell will not admit to belonging in an institution. The thing that I find striking is how easy it is to relate to the characters, regardless of how troubled they are. They just want a place to feel safe, to be listened to or understood. I think that that's truly what everyone wants. And although the film isn't necessarily a happy one, it is slightly hopeful, with its promise of freedom, pulling a motif out of Van Gogh's "Wheat Field with Crows."
I think everyone has a little bit of crazy in them. A bit of obsession, anger, fear. Oftentimes what we need is someone to listen. The characters in this film either open up or seem to fall apart, vanishing deeper into themselves. However, the ones that do reach out are the ones that recover. I really don't know why I'm writing this post. I will most likely never read it again, because even writing it makes me feel uncomfortable. But, if I do happen to, on a day when I'm feeling just a bit crazy, I hope to know to reach out to someone, a friend. It will really make all the difference in a world that is so ignorant of its own shortcomings.

Freedom.
Possibly my favorite scene from this movie involved an argument between two characters over the meaning of this painting. One, an artist, swore it was about freedom noting the birds flying away. The other, an agoraphobic manic depressive who is almost old enough to leave, but too scared to, notes that the road ends and that every work of art has borders, limiting freedom. We each can interpret things any way we desire, but the beauty of art is often looking for the brightness in something that seems dark.

So for those of you out there going through some tough times, know that you are understood by others. Get out, talk, live. Try and see the good in every situation. Don't try and fucking sugarcoat life, just take what you've been given and make the best of it. And find people who will help you to do so.

Us. Regina Spektor

I know I should have written sooner, but I've been very lazy lately. However, today I am feeling inspired enough to. Perhaps its because I have some nice new music playing, or maybe its that I want to avoid the Calculus studying that I should be doing instead. So I shall spend my last precious moments in Delco (for a few weeks that is) writing on this blog. I have been having a hard time keeping my mind off of my wonderful boyfriend. And I guess I should tell you why, aside from the fact that he is my boyfriend, that he has been on my mind so much.
Wednesday night we spent a good amount of time together, and at one point it began to turn a bit for the worse. I was freaking out and so was he, and so we had a very long talk (which lasted until 3 in the morning), during which he told me... he loved me. Its difficult for me to write let alone imagine. And I am pretty confident I feel exactly the same way, although bringing myself to say it might take some time. And so I've just spent some time pondering what those words even mean, and I still don't have a damn clue, but I know I feel it and it scares the shit out of me.

I have had a lovely break, notably because it was spent with my family and yes, I finally got to see Kevin and meet his new boyfriend, whom I adore. Also, Janine was there.. AWESOME. I love that girl so very much. She laughs at everything, and trails off the end of her laugh with a bitchy sigh that kind of makes you cringe. We just drove around and visited Janine's friend Jackie. Then we said goodbye, and parted ways, but not before making some temporary summer plans. Kevin is living in an apartment over summer in the city... and I will definitely be visiting him. Which brings me to tell you that I will most likely be working at the pool again this summer. I have decided that with my dad renting a shorehouse, and with plans to go and visit a bunch of school friends, I might as well work somewhere that is flexible.

I shall be returning to the berg soon, so I am going to go finish packing. :D

The After Life of the Party. Fall Out Boy

I feel pretty good. A lot of stress has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I really don't feel like writing too much truthfully, but I feel like it would be a nice use of my time today. I hate when I get all stream of conscious like, because I end up saying absolutely nothing. So perhaps I should make an outline as stupid as that might sound...

1) My life for the past week

2) Michelle's recent bloggings

3) Stupidness

4) Things to come

1) Okay. I have been incredibly stressed for the past week because of midterms. I honestly don't remember doing anything for the past week, aside from studying and being sick. Which was a wonderful surprise, yes, I really needed that on top of everything else. But all is well, because I studied harder than I ever have and I WRECKED my tests. It was amazing, and I'm so proud because it was really the first time that I ever stuck to a schedule, and now I know I can do it again and again.

Other than that, all I've done recently happened last night. Basically, I watched 5 hours of Grey's Anatomy, yes its my new obsession. Shannon has gotten me addicted. Damn her. I wonder if life is really like that past college, and potentially med school. Just killing eachother to make it, and pretty much dealing with wayyyyyy to many hormones. Considering its a TV show, its probably way overhyped, but oh well. Being an adult is going to be interesting.

After, we attended pancake palooza. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, tastes better than pancakes at 1130 p.m. And then, after free pancakes, FREE bowling. WHAT? I love my school so much. Then after that I went to Rob's room and we had a nice time, however, I began to get frustrated because I've been sick and yucky. Oh well, hopefully I feel much better tonight.

2) Michelle. My god, you don't even know you are my hero. You talk about things so easily. I wish I was as brave as you sometimes. But I have been using my light, and I have now acknowleged that my boyfriend really does like me just the way I am. I don't have to change, and if I want to, its for ME, not for any other fucking critic. I love my body, and I'm proud of what I see when I look in the mirror. Sure, theres room for improvement, but every girl is beautiful just the way they are. If someone doesn't see all the light inside of you, then they don't deserve your time.

3) Okay, what else would this be about in college. For god sakes people control your fucking self! I understand you want to have a good time, but don't go around saying you NEED to drink because you HAVE to have a good time this weekend. WHAT IS WRONG HERE!? I have had great weekends, and I haven't drank in weeks! Come on. Okay well thats all I really have to say here, I'm just incredibly frustrated.

4) Ah, things to come. I have a couple days until break begins. So, tonight is Keri's surprise party that she probably already knows about, which will be fun. Still not feeling completely well, so I'm not sure if I will drink. I may be able to skype with Michelle today which would pretty much make my life. Tomorrow, I plan on relaxing. The rest of week will be spent studying and preparing for my last few midterms. Thursday shall be amazing, since my sister is coming to stay the night, and then drive me home Friday :D

As for now, I shall bid you adieu, because as I said earlier, I'm not even in a writing mood so its amazing I did this much.

Farewell.

Could it last?

Watch you work the room.

Only the Good Die Young.

Two girls in Norwood were struck by a train today. Its so devastating being away from home and being in your own little bubble, and suddenly realizing that there is a whole world out there that you've left behind. I could know those girls. They haven't released the names, but I could know them. And the third girl, she witnessed the whole thing.

My prayers are with them and their families.

I don't feel like writing much more right now...

Favorite.

I thought I would give you some things to listen to, think about, watch, etc.

"How we survive is what makes us who we are."- Survive by Rise Against

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."- Albert Einstein

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."- Sam, Garden State

Favorites

Actor: Matthew Gray Gubler

Actress: Natalie Portman

Alcohol: Rum? Possibly Tequila

Animal: Otter

Apple: Red Delicious

Artist: Claude Monet

Athlete: Natalie Coughlin

Aunt: Judy :D

Baby: Jack was adorable, and still is.

Ball: Snow?

Band: Muse

Beach: Dewey

Beer: Ew, but I guess Bud

Book: Tie, Brothers Karamazov and the Fountainhead

Boys Name: Maxwell

Brand: I'm not very picky.

Candy: Reese's

Car: My sister's Altima

Cartoon: Disney's The Princess and the Frog, currently.

Catalog: None really...

Cereal: Cheerios or Kashi Go Lean

Channel: Fuse is nice, when they lay off the rap.

Church: The Chapel where I work.

City: Philadelphia, but I haven't been anywhere really.

College: Muhlenberg, duh.

Cologne: Um, I guess Ralph Lauren?

Color: That perfect mix of blue and green, like the ocean.

Comedy: Movie? The Hangover, I guess. Comedian, either Dimitri Martin or Ed Bryne.

Costume: My brother was Duff Man once.

Country: I would love to travel to Ireland.

Cousin: Hm.. tough. Michelle, or Megan.

Day: Christmas, or Halloween.

Dinosaur: Sexy Rexy.

Dog: Sandy is a Labradoodle, but I have a soft spot for Pugles.

Electronic: iPod.

Flower: Daisy.

Food: Tough... I love Panera's tomato soup :D

Friend: Michelle, Julia, Kevin.

Fruit: Raspberries.

Game: Solitare.

Girls Name: I can't think of one at the moment...

Hobby: Listening to music and knitting.

Holiday: Christmas/Thanksgiving/Halloween are all amazing.

Ice Cream: Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Crunch.

IM Service: Skype I guess?

Insect: Ladybug.

Jewelry: My bracelet from China and the one from Disney World that Michelle gave me.

Job: Chapel Assistant.

Juice: Currently, Cranberry is nice.

Kid: My little sisters and brother.

Lake: The one my family used to visit.

Language: I should say Spanish, but everyone loves the sound of French.

Magazine: Rollingstone.

Mall: King of Prussia is a bit too large, I find myself liking the Lehigh Valley Mall.

Man: Hm... boyfriend?

Meal: Wrap from Subconnection.

Meat: N/A.

Memory: WOW. Tough question. It depends on with whom. With Michelle, I'd say the boardwalk but that would be too obvious. Probably that time before going to Steph's when everyone was calling her wondering where we were, and we were right outside talking in her car. With Julia, taking candid pictures in her room for 3 hours. With Kevin, talking until 7 in the morning (this applies for Janine as well). With Anne, Jenn and Amanda, Kama Sutra. And with Rob, the morning we stayed up until 5 because we wanted to give Matt and Amanda some time alone, even though they were just asleep. We weren't even going out at this point, but it was still one of the greatest nights of my life. And Shannon, definitely the night we chatted in the GQ for hours.

Metal: Hm... Yttrium.

Milk: Chocolate currently.

Month: I'm a big October fan.

Mountain: Blue.

Movie: So many. Probably Moulin Rouge.

Number: Any multiple of 4... except 12.. not sure why.

Occupation: Something interesting, like researching the effects of drugs or music on the brain.

Ocean: I've only ever been to Atlantic, but I'd love to see the Pacific.

Park: The one by my house. I want to go on the swings.

Perfume: Ralph Lauren.

Pet: Sandy :D

Phone: My pantech is nice, and puts up with me constantly dropping it.

Phrase: "The early bird doesn't fall far from the tree." - I believe someone at O'Hara tried to coin this one.

Place: Muhlenberg.

Planet: I so loved Pluto before it was demoted.

Plant: That weird little bush that my parents planted that will never die.

President: None really. Washington I guess. RANDY HELM.

Quote: "Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none." - William Shakespeare.

Relative: My sister.

Restaurant: Bucca was very nice.

Rollercoaster: Something at Dorney. Their new one was amazing.

School: O'Hara.

Season: Autumn.

Shampoo: Aussie.

Shape: Trapezoid. A perfect balance of order and disorder.

Shirt: I am a huge fan of tees.

But I guess, I do like my plain black shirt.

Show: Criminal Minds.

Sibling: Aw. Julia. But everyone else is very close.

Smell: Not sure.

Soda: None. I don't care for soda.

Song: Currently, "Talons" by Bloc Party.

Sport: Swimming.

State: PA isn't so bad.

Station: 104.5 or 88.5

Stone: Ruby is my birth stone..

Store: Aeropostale, Heritage.

Street: CHEW!

Subject: I do love English.

Superhero: Superman.

Taste: I'm not sure.

Teacher: DR was probably the best professor I've ever had.

Team: I guess the Wings. I don't like very many sports teams

Tree: The one in my back yard, its a dogwood.

Truck: Um.. none?

Uncle: Mark. He's crazy.

Vacation: Senior Week '09

Vegetable: Broccoli.

Vehicle: Doesn't this apply to car and truck?

Weapon: None.

Weather: Rain is nice, but it makes me depressed. Ironic.

Website: currently, stumbleupon or textsfromlastnight.

Wine: Um, not sure.

Woman: Michelle or Julia.

Word: Love. Imagination.

Year: 2009 was a great one.

Zodiac: Cancer.

Zoo: Philadelphia.

Weightless. All Time Low

Okay. Yesterday was a bad day. I can say it. I was basically raped by my chemistry exam. It was pathetic. Sad part is I KNEW EVERYTHING. I just panicked and everyone agreed there was not enough time. But, God I did terribly. I basically broke down once I left class, and Anne saw me immediately and gave me a big hug and lied to me and said everyone felt the same way (haha even though she actually finished). And then Erik saw and asked if I was okay and then finally Rob. He walked over and tried to make me feel better, and I did because he is amazing.

My Bio lab teacher is awesome because she let everyone take a breather before we started lab and Anne tried to cheer me up by "shaking it out" like we do in yoga. And I actually felt amazing. I loved lab... it was strange.

But basically the point of this is that I am okay with doing terribly. I can make it up. And I will. And I have amazing friends. BAM.

Elaborate Lives. Adam Pascal and Heather Headley

I can't stop listening to Aida. I love it. I really wish I had been a part of it at O'Hara. But anyways, I am burning out fast. Very fast. I just need to stop looking at my damn calendar, but it seems like everything is creeping up on me so fast. The horrible part is that I know I can make it through, but I can't help but freak out about everything. And I hate complaining about everything because its annoying if I do really well. I'm just very stressed, and whenever I wake up in the morning, my heart starts racing because I think of all the things I have to do that day. I just need to learn to take things one at a time. And breathe.

My light is coming this weekend. I'm very glad, maybe it will get me out of this slump.

Cave. Mumford & Sons

Today is a good day.

I was in Spanish, and I looked over at Rob's homework, at the sample question we had to make up ourselves and I saw this:

"Le compraste los flores para tu novia?

Si, se los compre."

I'm a loser.

And I can't stop listening to weird folk music that the woman who works in the Chapel listens to.

But I am content.

Awake My Soul. Mumford & Sons

Hello there :D

I realize I haven't written in quite some time, but after talking my mother's ears off for an hour, she made the kind suggestion that I blog about something. Perhaps it was just her way of getting me off the phone, but I'd like to think that it was for my own good :) School is back in session, and although I am already extraordinarily anxious and nervous, just like I always am, I am very very excited for this year. I'm basically trying to immerse myself in everything and make my studies much more fun that I normally would perceive them to be. I really do miss DR's class, because it was a nice outlet for my creative thought, but I guess I just need to find a way to make the sciences a bit more creative. And what better way than Project Lab, or as my wonderful boyfriend referred to it, PLab. Each year, a professor picks a topic for the lab, and this year's is nanorust, some form of nanotechnology that is used for a variety of things, among them the control of arsenic in water supply. I think its pretty interesting, and I was also thinking about the applications of nanotechnology in my new love, neuroscience. I definitely want to go talk to Jeremy, but for fear of looking like an all too eager freshman I probably will wait a bit. But in the meantime, I'll keep cyberstalking Caroline's roommate and annoying her with questions on the subject. But hey, Caitlin is extremely nice and I even had dinner with her and Caroline last week. We discussed research and classes and everything basically involved with it. I just keep getting very excited about the future, I'm already picking what classes I want to take next semester, but I guess I should try and focus on surviving this one. Poo.

But anyways, other than class, what have I been up to? Well I am finally back on campus and have somewhat of a life. Friday night was wonderfully epic. I am kind of scared of myself though. I know that my family has a history of alcoholism, so I am very scared of alcohol, and I am veryyyyy careful. But sometimes I just want to have fun, and I don't know if that justifies it. I always feel very guilty but I do know my limits, and even if my friends who have never drank just joke around with me about it, sometimes it really hurts when they make fun of me. I was always against drinking unreasonably, but sometimes its fun in moderation. I can be sober one weekend, and drink the next or whatever, but I'm not going to be a crazy partier, I refuse. So, I just feel like an ass when my friends joke around with it because I know that its not exactly a great thing to do. I don't know, its hard to reconcile how I felt in the past about it with how I feel now. I refuse to turn into anyone in my family when it comes to drinking. But I don't know. I fucking hate hypocrites, so I really don't want to turn into one.

But yes, despite arguing with myself, I had a damn good time on Friday. The girls just cut loose a bit and I got a bit past tipsy, but all was well. Saturday morning, I felt guilty and the weather was terrible, so my SAD was kicking in. I called my mom and asked her to get me a light for light therapy because Michelle uses one and highly recommends one. I really just need to stop feeling shitty during the winter. I am human, not perfect, and I know this very well, yet I can't help but be my greatest critic. God only knows that I need the sun right now, but I find it difficult to want to go outside. I just talked to everyone, I even opened up to Amanda about it. I always feel so weird, like everyone's either going to judge me, or blow me off as "another depressed emotional teen." But its nice to know that someone actually listens, and that others know what I'm going through. I still haven't told Rob about it, but I almost did. I just really don't want him to have to worry about me or to take care of his crazy girlfriend. But I will eventually. Its not that I'm scared of opening up to him, its just that we haven't really reached that level too much. Although, in a step for the better, we did have a nice heart to heart on Saturday. On Saturday, he did something which I told him he could, because its his life and his decision and I didn't think it would bother me, but it just weirded me out. So I told him and we talked for awhile and he said he understood. I told him that I didn't want to worry him, but that it scared me a little, and he said he was glad we talked and that it wasn't weird. Its odd, because he keeps talking about it, and I don't know how I feel about it. He's obviously worried that he hurt me, but he shouldn't because I really care about him and thats why I was so uncomfortable.

But Saturday night was definitely wonderful :) The girls got together in Anne's room and read through some Kama Sutra, which was probably one of the funniest things I've ever been a part of. However, since I am the only one who has a boyfriend that actually goes here, the night was pretty much designed just to make fun of me, which I'm totally cool with. And about the whole "are we moving at the right pace thing" that keeps coming up, I've decided not to care, because I really really really like Rob and I know he likes me so its okay. I'm just trying to be comfortable with myself and I know he is very respectful which is awesome!

Sunday, I went out to breakfast with the girls, but then had to meet my dad for lunch. It was very nice and I went to Target with him. I really didn't do much aside from that, but I'd say it was a successful first week of school.

But this is getting kind of lengthy and I kind of forget where I was going with this. I just needed to write a wee bit. Well, I am going to go :)

Hasta luego!

Jackie.